Australia’s version of Christmas!
As an Aussie I have been raised with this wonderful ability to completely ignore how ridiculous it is to be singing ‘Dashing through the snow…’ or ‘A partridge in a pear tree…’ when, in fact the only snow glimpsed during the silly season is on the back of toilet seats at office Chrissy parties and the poor old bird has been replaced with prawns and a mango. There are no cosy fires down under and this Christmas looks to be the usual humid, thunderous event it normally is.
Australia has an odd and often delusional relationship with the festival of Christmas. We spray our windows with foamy fake snow (and wonder why we got the ozone layer hole.) Many diehard fans still labour over a turkey or ham while the family swelters around the candle lit table, sweat mushing up the frayed edges of our paper crowns. We have inherited a decidedly European culture and though, over the years, many noble attempts have been made to Australian-ise the festivities (‘Six White Boomers’ anyone?) we haven’t quite got our head around the bizarre incongruity of yuletide celebrations on a stinking hot, semi-arid tropical island.
Rarely do we even give this any thought, because the fact is, Aussie’s rather like our hodgepodge Christmas, even if this is more for cricket reasons than religious ones. It was only when we treated some European guests to our family Christmas last year that I sheepishly considered how odd it was for them. How un-Christmassy it is, in fact, to sit around the pool in boardies and bikinis telling naughty jokes with stubbies in hand and have Frank Sinatra crooning White Christmas in the background. But I proudly defended our laidback take on yuletide and quietly wondered, how different can it really be.
Well, saddle my reindeers and call me nancy, boy is it different. Enjoying my first white Christmas this year, suddenly Christmas traditions make sense. Santa wore that stupid hat because your head is bloody freezing over here. He rides a reindeer-pulled sleigh because it’s just dumping snow out and there’s deer everywhere just waiting to pull something. You know those gold-sprayed pinecones you buy for the tree at the Reject Shop? They are just lying around on the ground here, so why not string the up on the fir tree that has been freshly cut from the forest of fir trees on the edge of town. Coming together for you now?
Glass of eggnog, hell yeah, because only a good strong spirit is going to get your toes moving again after wandering around the markets, lit up with candles (just like at home) because it’s dark at 3pm (quite unlike home.) Fruit cake soaked in alcohol, well yes, because the last harvest was three months ago and that’s the only way to properly preserve the fruit. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, well naturally, the fires lit anyway, why not make it useful. Nostalgic sense of a bygone era, look around, this place dates back to the middle ages. Need I go on?
It’s romantic, quaint and traditional in a way that is so specifically European and logical here that I am suddenly struck with how ludicrous we are in Australia to even try and imitate. We are a nation of goofy fakers when it comes to the holiday season and I am putting out a call for it to end.
Don’t cringe when you’re mum plays ‘Christmas Where The Gumtree Grows’ because that is a song that makes sense. Do get out on the balcony or down to the pool or (if you’re really lucky) hit the beach for the day. Cricket must be blaring, cold beers compulsory, seafood and fruits are a must because lucky us, they are in season, brandy-free!
But I recommend you put it on your To Do list to check out how the Europeans turn on Christmas. Aussies do plenty of things well, but this is one we’ve got to hand to our friends on the continent.
Article by Estelle Pigott
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